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Parenting Help: When Your Child is Afraid to go on Sleep-Overs

by: Dr.NoelSwanson.
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By and large, children love to go on sleep-overs, whether to camps or other special events for kids. This gives them the opportunity to be with friends day and night. However, some children develop a fear of sleeping away from home. They refuse to go and they miss out on all the fun. If your child is struggling with such a fear, you may find the following tips useful.

First, and most obviously, getting into a fight with your child about the problem won't help. Saying things like, "don't be such a baby, of course you can do it" will just undermine her confidence rather than solve the problem. Recognize that it is a problem, and that your child probably wants to solve it as much as you do, step back from it all, and plan a strategic approach to help her.

As with most fears, the easiest way to work on this is by using a process of gradual desensitization. Often the problem is not just sleeping away from home, but sleeping away from Mom - to the extent that going in her own bed is a challenge!

Once you have identified the problem, start working on it by dividing the process into small achievable goals. Start from the point where the child is now - that is to say start with what is familiar and comfortable to the child. Gradually take him to the next step. For instance, if your child would rather sleep on the floor next to your bed than in his own bed, start by putting him in his bed and leaving the door is open. If your child is comfortable with the grandparents, you may send him for a sleep-over to them so that he gets used to being away from home.

It is advisable to talk to your child and encourage him to tell you honestly why he doesn't want to go on a sleep-over with a friend he likes. If he tells you what kind of a sleep over he won't mind going to, make a note of it. And, you plan only that kind of a sleep-over for him. If he really has fun on a friend's birthday party, or going to camp in the summer, he will get over the fear.

Now work backwards from the goal to the present. E.g. In order to be able to go to camp for 5 nights, you first need to be able to sleep away at the Easter camp for 2 nights. In order to do that, you need to be able to sleep at your friends house for two nights. Before you do that, you need to be able to do one night at your friend's, and before you can do that, you need to be able to manage your own room with the door shut.... And so on.

This is the general framework of the plan; you will need to adapt it to your own circumstances. After chalking out a rough plan, you can go to the present and look at the very first step. If it is facing opposition, you can break the first step into smaller parts. For instance, if your child refuses to move away from your room, you can coax him to sleep in the hallway on the floor just outside your bedroom door.

As I said earlier, do this with the active participation of your child. Talk to him and take decisions regarding the starting date and the rewards as well as how you will celebrate success. Just make sure you don't set goals that are not achievable. Try to make each step an easy one. Spend ample time on each step till your child is willing to move on to the next step. You may want to add incentives at every step to expedite the progress.

You will know you have failed if the child reverts back to the starting point. It only means that you need to work a little more on the first step itself before proceeding further. Try again with greater incentives. Some day you will help your child overcome his fear.

One word of caution: Don't expect instant results. You should be willing to spend some time with your child to help him work through the steps. But if you have a well-planned strategy, and you implement it slowly and systematically, you will certainly succeed. Be generous with plenty of encouragement and rewards.

About the Author

For more parenting advice by Dr. Noel Swanson, go to his parenting advice website and get his free newsletter.

Parenting Help: When Your Child is Afraid to go on Sleep-Overs

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